so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
