Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
