new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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