remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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