Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
