i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
