the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You left your phone here
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