I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
