I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
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Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
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Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on