I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
