i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
