I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
