Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
