At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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