yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just want to make out with him forever
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
