i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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