I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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