Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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