I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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