When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
