It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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