Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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