Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
