sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
