i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
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he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
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true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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