Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
