I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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