Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
