Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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