Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
