Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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