Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
