my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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