i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
