I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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