the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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