I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
