Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
