i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
