So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
