my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
