I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
