I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
