We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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