My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
