I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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