Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
