my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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