I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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