did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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