Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The Olympian is in my bed
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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