Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
