Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
