So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.