So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
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I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
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because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM