does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
