i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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